If reports of foreign attacks and rising deaths could reach children’s ears, parents must decide what and how much to tell their children what is happening in the world.
Many US parents don’t want to broach topics with their children, as they are overwhelmed by the conflict itself. After all, it’s natural that your kids want to protect them from listening to scary things remotely. But in reality, children may hear about it from teachers, friends, or other adults, whether or not the parent mentions the conflict.
Parenting expert Dr. Deborah Gilbore told Today.com that it’s best to talk about serious world events until your child is eight years old or older.
Before you say anything to your child, first process your feelings.
“Conversations with your child on a big, frightening, somewhat incomprehensible topic are not a good place to resolve your feelings,” Gilbore said. Take the time to calm the information before diving into a conversation with your child.
Think about what you want your child to know or learn. For example, you don’t need to learn more about conflicts. Instead, they might want them to know, “War is far away and we are safe.”
She also reminded her parents that she doesn’t have to have all the answers. Thinking about problems together can help children learn to navigate ambiguous feelings.
“It gives them practice thinking about big and hard things,” Gilbore said.
She shared advice on how to talk to children of age about war.
From kindergarten to 8 years old
For younger children, Gilbore recommended that factual information be given in personal values. It must be short and clear. The message includes: “We’re far from where our soldiers (nearby) are. We’re safe, but that’s a big deal.”
If the child asks, “Why are they fighting?”, the parents can say, “They are fighting over who should be in charge, but they are far from here.”
It is essential for parents to reassure their children and continue to have an open dialogue.
“It really helps to say to your child, ‘When you have more feelings, when you come to talk to me’. “It’s not when she opens wider than ever,” she said.
8 to 10 years old
Again, Gilbore urged parents to keep their message simple and share lessons about what is important to their families.
“In your life, or your child’s life, you may feel that the message is about being safe or being a patriot,” she said.
When children surprise their parents by questioning about war, it’s fine as long as you’re not ready to deal with it. Simply accept it and go back to it later. Saying things like “I’m the right person to ask” helps children understand that parents are trustworthy sources of information.
“Give yourself a breathing chamber to decide what the lesson is,” she explained.
Children asking about the war may catch their parents from the guard, but it offers them an advantage. They know they are worried about their children.
“You know what the answer they’re looking for,” she said.
junior high school
Parents should start by asking middle schoolers what they know about war. They can then deal with the child’s specific questions.
“We tend to assume that kids feel a certain way, and we’re incredibly wrong with the wrong time,” she said. “It allows them to start where they are, not where we think we are.”
Asking questions also allows parents to tweak their children towards the facts.
“We can fix the misconception,” Gilbore said.
If parents don’t know the answer to something, they should look into it with their children. This offers the added benefit of showing children how to think critically about where and sources of trustworthy information.
“When you see them learn, you can be part of the process and the conversation,” she explained.
high school student
Parents should start by asking teens what they know about the current war and share as much factual information with their values as possible. But they should ask them how they feel about it and where they get their information.
“Teens want to know what adults think about it, and they’re really influenced by it,” Gilbore said. “But they’re also influenced by other people.”
Parents can help teens “think critically about where they get their information and beliefs.”
For many teenagers, a potential war means they may be worried about being drafted. Gilbore said experts seem to believe that the likelihood of an unwilling draft is very unlikely, and that parents can reassure them by noting that there was no draft after, say, the attack on September 11, 2001. But she said they might also want to tell the kids what will happen.
“Ask your teenager, “If there is a draft, how would you be comfortable serving our country?”
Rosie Korosi contributed a report to this story.
This story was originally released and updated in January 2020.
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