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Good news: None of the predictions I made in last year’s Gustradamus column came true. If so, it would have been a sign that the apocalypse was near.
Bad news: the apocalypse is here.
Donald Trump, about to become president, is licking his ketchup-stained lips wondering if he’ll punish California for not rolling over for him like, say, Jeff Bezos. The Democratic Party now appears overwhelmed by Latinos and is in a political wilderness. The city of Los Angeles faces a $130 million budget deficit. While USC’s football team is playing in something called the SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl, UCLA’s team will likely be staying home and running up and down the Young Research Library.
With so much doom and gloom, I wish I could predict something good to happen in 2025. But my Magic 8 Ball has little to offer other than lots of laughs. Because we need to crack down on the cruelty and stupidity that comes from the world. The White House is trying not to cry, you know?
Below are some of the things I see happening over the next 12 months.
*Eager to regain its football glory, USC ditched the Big Ten Conference after just one year and created something a little more manageable: the Trinity League at the high school level. The Trojans left behind a team made up of the school’s marching band, outgoing President Carol Folt and journalism majors. The last group, even Madden, has never seen a football game.
* In one of his final acts as president, Joe Biden declares Graffiti Towers, a trio of long-abandoned downtown skyscrapers that have become L.A.’s largest tagging canvas, a national monument did. The City Council voted to charge an admission fee so people can tag and BASE jump to their heart’s content. The result would be an influx of tourists and save LA from financial ruin.
Tags a partially completed downtown Los Angeles skyscraper directly across from LA Live’s Crypto.com Arena.
(Irrfan Khan/Los Angeles Times)
*Speaking of City Hall, Los Angeles City Council member Monica Rodriguez has been invited to appear as her animated doppelganger in the live-action version of The Incredibles. Edna Mode is loud, intelligent, bespectacled, and fashion-forward. The San Fernando Valley politician won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress simply for playing herself.
*After Donald Trump’s share of the Latino vote increased in every presidential election since 2016, despite a barrage of insults such as bragging about his taco salad at Trump Tower, he shocked the world by granting amnesty to all illegal immigrants, including a double amnesty for Central Americans will be able to vote twice. This move will ensure that the next generation of Latinos will become Republicans. It also led Gavin Newsom and Nancy Pelosi to personally build a 100-foot wall on the U.S.-Mexico border, brick by brick. With nothing else to do, Kamala Harris volunteered to guard Calexico with a giant inflatable mallet.
*LeBron James announces he will play into his 60s to become the first NBA player to lose, along with his grandson.
*Danny Trejo, who I suggested should have been appointed to the California Senate in 2020, has declared he will run for governor in 2026. All the other candidates immediately abstained, because who wants to discuss machete? Trump quickly softened his anti-California stance to avoid crushing Trejo’s short-fingered hand when they first met.
*Out of work, with no political future, but with plenty of time, former Los Angeles County Sheriff Alex Villanueva and former Los Angeles City Councilman Kevin de Leon start a podcast. It continues for one entire episode, even after they both whine and pass out.
*Labor leaders are branding Baldwin Park High School’s incoming senior class president anti-union because of a project praising local chain In-N-Out. In-N-Out workers enjoy some of the highest wages in the fast food industry, even though they have never formed a union. They succeeded in attracting students back after a $1.2 million campaign.
*The Times debuted the bias meter in my column. The AI-powered doohickey self-immolated when he realized I was using Spanglish for the first time. The Times’ owner, Dr. Patrick Soon-Shiong, has canceled the project and will instead focus on a simpler form of cancer than modern journalism: curing cancer.
Pedestrians pass by blooming jacaranda trees in South Pasadena.
(David McNew/Getty Images)
*Someone has found a purpose for the jacaranda tree that is actually beneficial to humanity.
*After a year of fighting online and through diss tracks, rappers Drake and Kendrick Lamar decided to settle things once and for all with a wrestling match in the parking lot of Tam’s Burgers at Rosecrans and Central streets in Compton. He announced that he would. Lamar has home field advantage, so he delivers the first kick, punch, body slam, suplex, piledriver, stone cold stunner, and wedge to Drake. Lamar still wins easily. Drake returns to Canada with Justin Bieber.
* Elon Musk, who is suing the California Coastal Commission for not allowing more SpaceX missions to launch from Vandenberg Space Force Base, decides to move operations to Mount Whitney. Newsom, a longtime tech friend and supporter, tells Musk that as long as the rockets don’t harm the environment, that’s fine. Musk responded by training bears to drive Cybertrucks to launch a new Uber rival. Newsom has praised Musk’s move as being environmentally friendly. The millionaire then made Mount Whitney his retreat and named it Mar-a-Lago.
*I take a long relaxing vacation – hey, who are we kidding! Consider it a miracle if I get a 2 hour break. In-N-Out will definitely continue to be overrated.
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