The other day I stepped into the bathroom scale and couldn’t believe that the three digits were staring at me.
And I literally meant that it was equipped with scale.
I know this. Because I’m on a diet for my butt. I swear I lost 20 pounds. So the first thing I did was ask my wife if she ruined the scale as some kind of prank.
She said no and added, “Maybe you’re holding the liquid.”
Steve Lopez
Steve Lopez is a California native who has been a columnist for the Los Angeles Times since 2001. He has won over 12 National Journalism Awards and is a four-time Pulitzer finalist.
I quickly dumped the scale. I then went back to the bathroom and looked at the mirror and was in another shock.
That wasn’t me, who was regretting it. no way.
I have more hair than that. Everyone knows it and people comment on it. I go to social media and people ask each other almost every day.
I called my barber and fired him.
It’s not a barber, my wife said. You need to look at the mirror again.
Our columnist was disappointed when he discovered that Bible sales were higher than his own work. “It should be on the list of fake miracles there with bread and fish,” he writes.
(Marta Lavandier/Applications)
She recently went to the door next door and wished a happy Independence Day, including “Any scum I wouldn’t talk about if it was the last thing on a picnic.” ”
Half the time, my wife doesn’t live with me, and I don’t know where she is. Because marriage is perfect. People ask us what the secret is and I say it is hospitality. We had planned to open our minds and homes to others and build a backyard ballroom until our financial advisors said they already had a massive debt.
I sued him for negligence and financial fraud.
My wife took home several refugees sponsored by her church, and I think it’s wrong to blame the coyotes every time a neighbor’s pet disappears, but I went with it. We had a cup of coffee and some pastries, and one of them took a second almond croissant. And even before he finished it, he reached out and grabbed the bear’s claws.
I see it disappearing and between bites, this freeloader tells us that our country must provide more help to his country.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
“I wanted bear claws!” I said. “You didn’t even thank the croissants, and now you want a third pastry? Get out of my house!”
To settle down, I slid into the living room to relax with the book. I chose the one on the shelf next to the three books I wrote. So I was curious to see how sales have progressed recently.
So I went to Amazon to check out the rankings.
The first book I checked ranked 3,907,369. Incidentally, I swear to the Bible, ranked 206 on the BestSellers list.
Really?
What have Matthew, Mark, Luke and John been on the ground for thousands of years? No one can tell you if any of them knew the musketeer magician. Needless to say, the Roman Empire where they worked was a failed regime. And do their books sell better than my mile?
It should be on the list of fake miracles with bread and fish.
A dispute with neighbors over real estate lines? “The boundary is equipped.”
(Disputes with your neighbors via the property line? “The boundary is equipped.”)
My book is a great book. It is already listed as one of the best classics of all time, and there are star reviews everywhere. At Barnes & Noble, they keep it in a beautiful book section. When I was on a book tour, I had the largest crowd ever. Much bigger than Hemingway. People are still talking about it.
So, to cut the tracking, I gave my sales rank a triple F rating.
fake.
error.
Fenny.
And I fired the book agent.
Apart from the “Holy” Bible, I checked out some of the books that rank higher than my books, but it didn’t take long to understand what was going on.
First of all, it is said that many people have not “buy” the book. Visit the review section and you’re actually dead between 30% and 40% of people who claim to love Stephen King’s books.
And you have a lot of people coming to this country illegally, they have terrible people, they vote in elections, they are in it, so they are voting for the book, and I might add.
Less well-known facts:
The voting counting machine and this counting machine are made by the same company.
Do you know what they should call the company?
rig!
Not an obsession, but I’ve heard Stephen King say he doesn’t care much about me. That’s fine. Add water from the duck’s back. My dog has more talent than that guy. What he does is write stories about murderers and people with terrible illnesses.
He should write a book about my neighbor. Most of my neighbors love me. They are kissing what I know. But then there’s this guy I investigated. I went out to the curb to throw away the bathroom scales and what do I see? That jackalope puts his trash can on my property. I’m a break-in person, he tells me, and I should go to the county office and check the property records.
Well, it’s just that I was already checking the records, so they’re inaccurate. That’s because that last county administration was the worst in history. A bunch of corrupt and evil people. Who should have been fired each? They hired incompetent people as surveyors, so I stand on the street, equipped with boundaries and rewritten so please tell me where I can and cannot put my trash cans.
My lawyer is working on that and we win this case on the first day, ensuring that there is time left in the golf round.
Note to the self:
On the way home, I get a bathroom scale.
steve.lopez@latimes.com
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